Alice Part One: Wide Eyed

My heart is laying open. One day it went all unfolded, and there was a little Alice in there; a little Alice with my face. She's peering out, in that pituresque delicate way she has: bent at the waist making a clean 45 degree angle, arms stretched out behind her and levatating a little above her back, head turning 0h-so-smoothly from one direction to the next, golden swirls of hair swaying with the fluid movement, her eyes wide. For they have to be really, to take in this Wonderland, they must be wide open. My heart had been hugging her, keeping her in a safe place where surprises were limited and familiar feelings abundant. And then, one day, it stopped hugging. She slowly became aware of the muscle pulling away, gradually peeling, opening. Until there she was, standing in the middle of the red mass, exposed, vulnerable, and wide eyed.

Here is where the Alice analogy differs from the original story however because this Wonderland is not mushroom and Mad Hatter filled. No acid was involved in its creation. No, this is just a Wonderland of an acuteness of feeling. My heart is opened and seems to be waiting for something, something it can fold back up around. In the meantime its little Alice feels everything vividly.

Love for my family, for instance. When at home, I knew I loved them. It was always there, the backdrop of my day to day life. Now however, it is as though a line from my open heart has flown to them, connecting to them, making the love this tangible, tugging thing. And this is not bad, aching sometimes because the increased acuteness of this love comes with an increased acuteness of missing, but still it is not bad. I am humbled by its strenght. Alice looks with wonder at this thin line that can withstand such force without snapping. Through her wonder I discover a new understanding of family, and thus the dynamics of love. Some people feel stuck to their families. I am not stuck. I create the connection to them, I nurture it, I need it. It is a connection that answers questions for me and creates them, pulls, stretches, changes.

It is L O V E .

This post is about to become a novel, so to save your eyes the other vivid feelings will be described in future installments. :)