FAITH

ME. Two little letters but they fill my body. And the world hurts. It hurts everyday. But that is all I can see sometimes. ME. And I want to be filled with something else. WORLD maybe. Or PEOPLE. Or LOVE. What? What should fill that space instead? Because I know it shouldn't be ME.

Mother Theresa. People quote her, are inspired by her, try to walk her path. She is a saint, or should be. But do you know there are those who try to unearth black spots on what appears to be her untarnished soul? "She stopped feeling God" they say. "She felt lonely and unsure" they say. On and on. Why? Why do that? Movements were created by that single aging woman. Compassion spread from her hands to much of the world. At least one person changed their beliefs, habits, attitudes because of her holy hands. So let her be perfect. We know she wasn't. If we are educated people we know perfection isn't impossible. Our minds have a defense mechanism for such thinking however. Though we know that truth we believe in a contradictory truth as well, the one that tells us some people can reach perfection. And why do we allow ourselves to believe the second truth? Because if a real person is perfect, than perfection is attainable, something to work for. So we try harder to be better. Better family members, better lovers, better citizens of the world, better people. We can only work towards that which we believe is attainable. It is contradictory thinking that George Orwell might call doublethink. I call it faith.

Ah-ha. FAITH. Now that is it. That is what should feel the space, because it encompasses each of the other options. To cleanse the body of ME one must first have faith in SELF.

Faith that the SELF is aware of the WORLD that so graciously gives it a place to exist. With awareness comes the ability to see where sacrifices can be made to repay the WORLD's recycling kindness.

Faith that the SELF is compassionate, can see PEOPLE, not their physical presence, but the stories that make the physical presence possible.

Faith that the SELF can LOVE selflessly; without inhibitions but with earnestness, without lies but with patience.

For any of these FAITHs to be possible a much larger one must exist first, and you have heard this before. A FAITH in an entity more self-important than any being of flesh and bones; God. Do I have solid evidence to believe in such an entity? Such a creation of wind and dust and water?

No. Just word of mouth.

Just a book.

Just a feeling.

But I do not want solid evidence. There is too much solid in the world. Solid is necessary but also suffocating. I want mystery. A feeling to chase, to explore, to wander in. Without it, where am I? Stuck with ME. Consumed with ME. With no sense of OTHER. No sense of GOOD. Nothing to work towards. No reason to be better. No reason to connect.

I want to connect. I want to understand OTHER, share with OTHER, support and be supported by OTHER. So I work everyday to let FAITH replace ME. No, not replace. Become.

FAITH is becoming ME.