1 + 1 = 2

I am an independent woman. Some would even say a feminist, though that is a word with connotations I would rather not have attached to my name. I love my romantic movies, but I generally do not expect all of the cinematography to turn into my life. I know I am young. I know there are experiences beyond love and relationships. I have friends. I have hobbies. Yet here I find myself, fighting with a surprisingly persistent desire to find another 1 I can add to my 1 to make a beautiful 2. It is a place I try to avoid, and at times I succeed at doing so, but inevitably I look away for a moment only to return my attention just as I step back into this narrow place. And this bothers me. Instead of feeling like a strong individual, I feel weak. A silly little dependent girl. So I have spent a good amount of time trying to become more focused on other aspects of my life. Generally this works, but has also made me realize we have to want it that bad, love I mean. Otherwise prior experience would keep us away.

Let's say you are in high school. Bobby from across the street wants to be your boyfriend, and you let him. Bobby's a hunk, and plus, you've always wanted a boyfriend. You date for a while, find out he is a nice guy, the two of you have fun together, and then (for the average person anyways) one of the two following scenarios occurs. Either your interest (in true finicky teenage fashion) begins to fade, or his does. Both scenarios result in some form of pain for you, either that which belongs to heartbreak, or that which belongs to breaking a heart. Imprints are made in your emotional fabric no matter which role you played, and for a while, you swear off boys. You're "in repair". Soon though (which in high school time probably means next week) you meet Dave. And there you are again, wanting. The fabric that held that imprinted pain is very forgiving. You forget it all, blinded by the wanting.

It is in our heart's ability to forget, or willingness to risk, that I find hope. For if we were not meant to find love, the other 1 in our equation, then our hearts would not be so resilient. Our emotions so forgetful. So, let's shake hands Want. Let's come to an agreement. I will allow you to hang around, but I reserve the right to ignore you, to find better ways to spend my time. When I eventually stumble upon a promising 1, only then, will I acknowledge you. Deal? I think so.